Monday, August 11, 2014

How to: Tips for being a Better Person... Confidant... Friend.

Change is such a silly thing. But such an important thing really. I happens everyday, every moment of the day.

You change with every choice you make, with every circumstance you face and with every single day that passes. 

Every day when you wake up, you decide who you're going to be, or who you want to be. Want to be - is really the change I'm writing about today. 

Change happens; you cannot avoid it. You can direct it. You can guide it. You can inspire it. But you can't avoid it. (by resisting change, you're changing, btw.)

I've been thinking about change a lot recently. How to do it, when to do it, why we do it. I just had no idea how to address the issue, no idea how to put it into words, which is a change for me. I'm usually really good with putting thoughts into words. But not this time. I hope I do the topic justice. 

In my opinion, the number one killer of change/inspiration, is the people around you. 

In everything I've tried to do in life, in every choice I've made in favor of change, had it supporters, and it's non-supporters. 

The first thing I have to address when it comes to change/change killers is friendships. 

What kind of a friend are you? Are you conditional? Are you only there to get something out of it? Are you loving and supporting? Are you mad when someone doesn't handle their situations the way you would? Are you frequently upset or negative? 

These are really random questions to ask yourself but they can't be left un-answered. 

I used to be a really cold/hard/negative/mean person. Granted I was like... 8-13 in that stage, it was still me. There was no one person to blame for the way I thought and acted. Just me. I wanted to change. This post is an accumulation of how I've done it so far. 

"You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can control your reaction to what happens to you."

In short, it's how you react to everything, that makes you into the person you are and have yet to become. I was thinking the other day, "I love making new friends, because you can choose right then who you want to be, really. You can change who you are if you want to, and they don't know any different. A clean slate." 

Should that be how it is? Absolutely not. I understand that people make bad choices, I understand that people mess up and aren't who they should be sometimes, but once a person recognizes this, it's your job as a friend to say "Listen, I know what you've done, I know how you've treated me, I know how you've been before, but if you want to change that, if you want to become different, if you want to improve your character, I'm going to forget the past (as best as I can) and let you do that, and love your through it." 

Same goes for this situation, if you're friends with someone, and your previous relationship is like a student/mentor kind of thing and you give them that room for growth, that room to change, you absolutely CANNOT start acting different or hostile when that student comes to the same level as you. Once they've put themselves through growth and they've done the hard things and faced change and made themselves better for it, you cannot get upset or bitter when that person surpasses you in their life, in their ministry, in their faith, etc. 

Being in the teacher/mentor role in a friendship/relationship is an incredible thing to be apart of, you're helping someone shape their life, by being their friend, by being a sound board, by being there for them and giving advice when necessary, you're helping someone shape their CHARACTER. But if they become bigger than you, if they grow beyond the extent of needing your advice, to where you can just be friends and interact on the same level, accept it!  

Every class in every subject ends. Sometimes we're the teacher/mentor, sometimes we're the students, sometimes we attend classes with friends and grow together, and sometimes, some students finish that class and leave it behind, while you have to stay and finish it alone, or vice versa. Don't allow these advancements/setbacks to make you bitter, allow them to make you better. 

If a friend is better than you, that's okay. If a friend is not, that's okay

My advice? It's working for me everyday. I'm not perfect, but all of these tend to help me, even though I'm still working on a few. 

How to: Tip for Being a Better Person... Confidant... Friend: (in no particular order, really)


Build. Build people up. Find someones good qualities, and build on them, find someones bad qualities and try to show that person how to build those up into good qualities and talents and characterizations. But please, don't ever tear someone down, "Just because you can" or because "You can speak your mind and get away with it." Build everyone up. "Hey! I really don't know you, but your outfit is really cute." or "Hey, the way you find the best in every situation, that's really inspiring." or even "You've really inspired me to do this (or that), and I did it with no regrets!" Let people know why they're amazing. Because every single person has greatness inside of them. "It costs you nothing to be an encouragement to someone else." -KL

Push Boundaries. Life is exciting and scary and thrilling but sometimes we get comfortable with where we are. Try to be the friend that is supportive, but also the friend that always suggests/advocates for the option that pushes someone a little farther than they're used to going. Don't push it THAT far though. I'm not talking about throwing someone off the ledge when they're not ready, but if they're contemplating growth outside of their comfort zone, encourage it. The best thing to do in this situation is to lead by example. Push your own comfort zones, do things you've never done, do things that scare you, speak in public, sing in public, talk to a stranger (safely, of course), smile at anyone you see, wave while driving. These things often make us nervous and a little uneasy. "What if they think I'm crazy for smiling?!" Yeah, they'll think you're crazy. Crazy NICE. haha! Just go for it, honestly. 

"You miss 100% of the chances that you don't take." Live on the edge a bit. 


Facilitate growth. Allow your friends to make better choices, while loving them through the bad choices. Allow them to speak, dress, or act differently without you treating them differently. Whether it's for the good or bad. Sometimes people come into church, most of them don't want a big production made out of them coming to God or coming back to God, or even leaving God, and sometimes we think "Well, that's silly. That's not the choice I would make." THAT IS SO RIGHT. In fact, it's so OKAY. It's not the choice you would make because it's not your choice to make. Just love them through the change. Don't be flustered when someone isn't who you want them to be. 

Be Steady. Generally, people will never return the affection, love, or generosity that you show them. You can be the best of all friends, and the other person probably won't be. That's okay. It's exhausting, but it's okay. Live by example. Be kind, be thoughtful, be spontaneous, be generous and never look back. 

Lock it up and throw away the key. If someone shares a secret with you, don't share it with the world. I've had my own faults in this area, it's something I'm really working on. Be that sounding board. Be like the walls when you're told confidential information. You know when people say "If these walls could speak...." people marvel at what they would say, what they've seen, the secrets they've been told, etc. The walls can't speak, and for a good reason. Be a wall when necessary and don't ever jeopardize that. 

"Don't wait for people to be friendly, show them how."

"Don't be scared to tell someone the truth." ** addendum ** IN LOVE. Don't be afraid to tell the truth, IN LOVE. Sometimes it just has to be said, it's okay to say it, it really is. 

"Never suppress a generous thought." 

My good friend Lecrae (okay, so not really friends, but still) said, "If they ain't seen Jesus, they don't want to see the sequal." 

What a great way to say that you may be the only representation of Jesus that they'll ever see. When it comes to friends, strangers, waiters, cashiers, baristas, etc. Show them love and kindness, because Jesus showed you love and kindness. Show them Jesus. 

"Forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in YOU." - C.S. Lewis 
* this rings true with friends and strangers alike. God did it for you, try doing it for someone else.

The End. (for now). 







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